Stephen Porges’s work on polyvagal theory offers a profound lens through which to view our most intimate relationships, revealing why we so often mistake our survival responses for a lack of love. You tell yourself the story that this messy, complicated, human thing called relationship is a distraction from the *real* path. A detour. A karmic mess you need to clean up so you can finally get free. You meditate in the morning, you read the holy books, you chant the mantras, and then you walk into the kitchen and the sight of your partner’s unwashed coffee cup in the sink sends a jolt of irritation through your spine. A tightness in your jaw. And the story begins: “See? This is what I’m talking about. This person, this relationship, it’s dragging me down. It’s keeping me from my peace.” You’ve convinced yourself that enlightenment is a solo mission. A quiet, pristine journey to the top of a mountain, far away from the chaos of another person’s heart, another person’s needs, another person’s humanity. You use the language of freedom to build a fortress around your heart. You say you need “space” when you mean you’re terrified of being seen. You