How do I know if what I’m feeling is codependency or love?

Love expands. Codependency contracts. If your peace depends entirely on another person's mood, and you feel physical anxiety when they're distant, it's the trauma response. Love feels like a steady flame in your own hearth even when they're not in the room. Check the body: a knotted gut versus an open belly. That's your compass.

Can codependency really be healed, or do I just have to manage it?

Healing is real but it's not a pain-free arrival. Think of it less like "curing" and more like rewiring your house. The old wires (the karmic patterns) can be replaced with dharmic circuits where you remain central in your own life. With forensic work and somatic practice, the charge on those triggers can dissolve so thoroughly that a partner's withdrawal feels like information, not annihilation.

What's the first concrete step to rewiring my attachment?

Disrupt the fawn impulse. The next time you feel the urge to placate, pause and put both feet flat on the floor. Feel the ground. Ask: "What do I actually need in this exact moment?" Whether it's water, a stretch, or to speak a boundary, honor that instead of accommodating his. The rewiring happens in these tiny, rebellious acts of self-fidelity. A journal like the one recommended above can help excavate what you actually need.

Is it normal to feel anger during this process?

More than normal~ it's mandatory. Anger is the boundary-setter. When you stop self-abandoning, you'll likely feel volcanic rage at the years you lost. That rage is dharmic fire. Let it move through the body without harming anyone: scream into a pillow, shake, write furious letters you never send. This is forensic forgiveness's raw material. Suppressing it keeps you locked in the nice-girl cage.

How do I stop attracting the same type of unavailable partners?

By becoming radically available to yourself first. The outer world mirrors inner configuration. As you stop abandoning your own needs, the magnetic draw toward those who cannot see you weakens. The Universe doesn't make mistakes; it reflects back the frequency of your most dominant self-belief. Change that frequency through the embodied work above, and watch the whole cast of characters around you transform.

Codependency Is a Trauma Response, Not a Personality Flaw: Rewiring Your Attachment After Heartbreak