Why do I still miss them when I know they were terrible for me?

You're not missing the person, Beautiful Soul. You're missing the dopamine. Your brain is in withdrawal from a chemical addiction to the intermittent highs. The "good times"... however rare and brief... created a neurochemical spike that your brain now craves like sugar, heroin, or gambling. Add to that the ancient childhood wound that mistakes drama for passion, and you have a perfect storm of biological and psychological craving. This isn't a sign of deep, eternal love. It's a sign of a thoroughly conditioned nervous system. Blowing out the neural dust requires time and radical non-indulgence of the craving. When the thought "I miss them" arises, label it... "This is withdrawal. This is a memory loop. This is not truth."

Is it possible to break a trauma bond while still in the relationship?

It's excruciatingly difficult, but sometimes necessary when external circumstances, like coparenting or finances, are an anchor. The first step is absolute internal no-contact, even if physical proximity exists. You must starve the empathetic enmeshment. This means becoming the Sakshi... the witness... and refusing to take their bait, absorb their mood, or participate in their cycle of apology and abuse. You must see their behavior as weather, not as a reflection of your worth. This requires rigorous boundary work and somatic practice to keep your nervous system from entraining to theirs. It's the Mount Everest of emotional sobriety, but it can be done. You need a support system that is ferociously honest with you... a therapist, a coach, a community that will remind you what reality looks like when the gaslighting fog rolls in.

What does "healing" from trauma bonding actually feel like?

It feels like boredom. And it's terrifying at first. Healing doesn't feel like a pink cloud of angelic bliss. It feels like your nervous system slowly, awkwardly, learning to land on solid ground after years on a turbulent sea. You'll feel a flatness, an absence of the extreme highs and lows. You'll mistake peace for emptiness because your body was calibrated to catastrophe. Wild, right? You'll also feel deep, organic grief... the grief of acknowledging how much time you lost, how much you betrayed yourself, how badly you were treated by the one who swore to love you. This grief is the healer. Let it move. And then, one morning, you'll realize you slept. You'll realize you laughed without forcing it. You'll realize you haven't thought about them in four hours. And that, my darling, is the spaciousness of your own soul returning home.

The Trauma Bond Trap: Why Your Brain Is Addicted to Toxic Love